Do You Want Your Ex Back? And Is It A Good Idea?

Getting back with an ex can sound very appealing.  After all you already know them well, maybe there are still feelings there, maybe you don’t feel things were really done between you.  That said, there was probably a reason that you did split up, and that reason could so easily come back to haunt you.  Maybe it was a row about something that seems now that ended it, or maybe circumstances got in the way and those have now changed.  Could it really work this time?  Is it worth giving it another go, now that you are older and supposedly wiser?

Breakups are often incredibly painful – especially when you’ve been broken up with – but are also an opportunity for strength, healing and growth. Many of us want our exes back, but knowing if it’s the right decision and how to do it can be tricky.

Chris Pleines, dating expert and founder of datingscout.co.uk, offers advice on how to get your ex back and how to determine if it’s the best move.

How to get your ex back

Getting your ex back isn’t rocket science. If you both loved each other and your relationship was more positive than negative, it’s not that easy to shut the door on things for good. There’s also a chance that your ex is also thinking about reconciliation, especially if the reason you broke up is resolvable.

1) Cut off contact with your ex 

The first thing you should do immediately after a breakup is to cut all contact with your ex. This includes scrolling their social media and re-reading old messages. Do this for at least 30 days. Don’t convince them that you will change and don’t beg them to take you back. More often than not, doing so risks pushing them further away, and cutting off contact, even temporarily, helps you regain emotional clarity.

The ‘no contact’ rule gives your ex a chance to miss you, and in your absence, the memories of the relationship and its positive moments become more evident.

2) Rebuild your confidence 

We often merge our identity with our partner’s when in a relationship. Now is the time to rediscover what makes you happy as an individual. Pursue old hobbies, set personal goals, and embrace your independence. Ensure you’re eating well, exercising, and getting enough sleep. Small acts of self-care can have a big impact on your mood and resilience. You have to focus on yourself first so that if you are able to mend things with your ex, you aren’t overly reliant on him for validation.

 

3) Leverage the power of attraction

Humans are emotional, and there’s no doubt that attraction can influence how we think and act. It’s also indisputable that there was a point – especially during the first few months of dating – when your ex was deeply attracted to you.

Together with the no contact strategy and you investing time into yourself, leverage the power of attraction again. Show him why he was attracted to you and why he loved you in the first place. This could be through improving your physical appearance, or drawing attention to the quirks and habits that you know he found endearing.

It’s easy to leverage attraction if you still see each other from time to time (e.g. you’re colleagues, you have a mutual friend group, or you attend the same university). However, if there are minimal chances of you running into each other, you could make use of social media to get this message across.

• “What if we have minimal chances of running into each other?” If you’re no longer connected on social media, it’s likely you have at least one follower linked to him. There is a chance your posts could be relayed to your ex via this friend.
• “What if he has blocked me?” If your ex has blocked your number and blocked you on all social media platforms, it might also be best to give him the space he clearly needs.

4) Meet up and reignite the spark

When the time comes that he calls you, only answer and make plans to meet if you’re ready to see him. Don’t treat him as an ex, and don’t beg him to take you back. Instead, treat him like an acquaintance, like he’s back to being one of your suitors even though you know you’d reconcile if the opportunity arose. Don’t get too excited and don’t set any expectations to avoid disappointment.

If he hasn’t contacted you for over two months yet you feel there’s still a chance to reconnect, you could reach out to him with a gentle message. This could include things like ‘I heard this song and it reminded me of you’, as these kinds of messages will remind him that he’s still on your mind.

Chris Pleines, dating expert, adds: 

“Three key factors should be in place before you consider getting back together with your ex. First, you must be completely happy in yourself, so that you’re not seeking a partner to fill an emptiness or to avoid loneliness.

“Secondly, you must be sure that your ex is willing to do their part to make things work, otherwise you’re placing unrealistic expectations upon the relationship. Finally, you must be confident that the breakup was caused by something that can be rectified, not a fundamental incompatibility.

“You should never consider getting back with someone if the relationship was toxic or abusive, or if your ex made you feel unworthy, manipulated you, or caused emotional or physical harm. Love should never require you to shrink yourself or compromise your core values. If getting back together means losing your sense of self, it’s not the right move.”